In a world where being able to talk about your feelings is seen as a new superpower, a dangerous thing has happened: people being too honest. This is not real intimacy. It’s an intense, often inappropriate sharing of personal problems on the first date. A recent study found that 40% of single people have experienced this behaviour in the last year. What’s more, most of the people asked think this behaviour is a way of manipulating someone’s feelings. The line between being vulnerable in a healthy way and being too vulnerable in a way that is not good for you has become so thin that it is almost impossible to understand it without help from someone else.
This worrying trend shows that there is a big problem with modern dating culture. On the one hand, young people are encouraged to be honest and to challenge the stigma around mental health. But if someone doesn’t understand their own emotions, or can’t communicate well, even the best intentions can have a negative effect and put off potential partners. Floodlighting is not just a sign of personal problems, but of a bigger problem where the way we use social media doesn’t fit with how we build trust in real life.
The psychology of being honest in a way that is not healthy
Sometimes people seem to be being dishonest, but really they are just trying to deal with their own problems. The study says that the main reasons for this behaviour are loneliness (69% said they just needed someone to talk to) and a misunderstanding of honesty (49% thought it would make them more attractive). Many people think that if they talk about their feelings with someone, they will become close. The effect is actually quite different: 35% of people who use dating apps said they stopped talking to someone who shared too much too soon.
Psychologists think that this behaviour is linked to a type of anxious attachment. People with this style are driven by the fear of rejection. They try to make their partner dependent on them by creating an artificial sense of closeness through shared secrets and traumas. Gender is also important here. 45% of men are willing to take risks and overdo it with honesty to make a quick connection, while 41% of women do the same. At the same time, 52% of respondents think that the problem is that such people simply lack professional help and need therapy, not new dates.
This creates a strange situation where modern dating technologies can make the problem worse, but also offer a solution. Text chats in apps, where you have time to think and ‘edit’ your emotions, can sometimes trigger floodlighting. On the other hand, live video chat, which requires a quick response and visual contact, can help balance this. When you see the other person’s face, their facial expressions and reactions, it is much more difficult to ignore non-verbal signals of discomfort and continue the emotional attack. Video calls are a great way to start, as they help people learn to understand each other and spot social signals in real time.
The main reasons for floodlighting:
- The loneliness epidemic means that people need more social contact and empathy.
- A wrong idea about intimacy: the belief that experiencing the same difficult things creates a stronger bond than having the same interests.
- People with an anxious attachment style are very worried about being rejected. They try to make up for this by being overly open.
- Not understanding how to show respect and trust people gradually: this is what is meant by ‘lack of emotional literacy’.
How dating apps are helping people deal with too much emotion
The problem of people feeling overwhelmed by their emotions is being taken seriously by the top dating apps. They are starting to add features that gently encourage users to communicate in a healthy way. Their aim is not to ban vulnerability, but to make it safe and respectful. For example, Hinge focuses on thoughtful answers to thoughtful questions that encourage users to share their opinions and dreams rather than the details of their personal dramas. Tinder is testing a new feature called ‘Are You Sure?’. This asks users to review messages that might be upsetting or offensive before they send them.
Solutions that artificially slow down communication have proven particularly effective. The Once app, for example, only provides one match per day, and its slow chat feature limits the number of messages you can send. This helps to make each contact feel more valuable. It also gives people time to think, which can reduce sudden urges. These tools teach daters a basic rule: trust takes time and both people must be comfortable with it. This explains why 66% of people agree with the idea of ’emotional consent’. It’s just a simple question.
Saying ‘Can I tell you something personal?’ can completely change the tone of the conversation.
In this context, specialised platforms and formats are becoming more valuable. Services for people who have gone through divorce or are coping with mental health issues start by creating a shared context and understanding among users. At the same time, the role of formats where people are valued for being natural and honest is growing. Video calls on apps like Pink and CooMeet can make online dating easier. It’s harder to turn a face-to-face conversation into a monologue about trauma during a video call because the other person’s reactions stop you. This format is a balance between the privacy of texting, which can lead to over-excess, and the pressure of offline dating.
From suspicion to being open to love
So, what can people do when they’re looking for a partner in this new reality? The most important change that needs to be made is moving from a culture of suspicion to a culture of awareness. Floodlighting makes us cautious, but healthy relationships need honesty. The challenge is to learn to tell the difference between different types of vulnerability. When someone is manipulative and open, it can feel oppressive and make you feel uncomfortable. But when someone is genuine and open, it feels inviting and makes you feel like you have a connection.
Signs of being open and honest, not of being in the spotlight:
- Graduality: Information is given gradually, as trust grows.
- Reciprocity: It is a conversation, not a speech; the person asks their partner about how they are feeling.
- Don’t worry. You won’t be expected to provide immediate support or special treatment.
- It is important that it fits in with the situation. The topic is right for the situation and how close you are.
The answer to this problem depends on both individual users and the people who create the platforms. The future is all about ecosystems that combine technological limits (like slow chat), educational content on understanding emotions, and formats like Pink video call, which encourages natural social interactions.
In a world where our personal lives are becoming more and more public, the best thing we can do for someone new is not share our secrets, but respect their privacy and be patient until the right time comes when they are ready to share things with us.
